sober relationships Archives - Best Rahabs In Arizona

March 28, 2022March 24, 2022

Psychological Addiction

Addictions can be either physical or psychological. When a person is addicted to a drug, both of these subtypes of addiction are present. Psychological habits come from the impact that substances may have on the brain. Typically, they deal with the reward center of the brain. In many cases of addictive substances, the drug produces a massive amount of dopamine that leads to feelings of euphoria or pleasure.

The Role of Dopamine in Psychological Dependence

Unfortunately, the dopamine flood has some severe impacts on the brain’s structure. Over time, the brain changes to make it impossible to have regular feelings of accomplishment. The mental desire for the drug becomes too much to avoid, and eventually, the person gives in to the feeling.

Sometimes, the psychological component of addiction might be both pleasure-seeking and avoiding returning to the real world. Many people who use recreational drugs do so as an escape from reality. Because they use the substance this way, they feel less of a draw to return to the real world and keep using it as a means of permanent escape. This approach can be dangerous and lead to overdosing if the user isn’t careful.

Physical vs Psychological Addictions

As mentioned before, addictions can be both physical and psychological. Physical addiction is based on the physical need for a drug to be present in the body. Because it’s not used to the sheer volume of dopamine that a drug’s high generates, the brain will rewire itself to deal with it. As a side effect, the brain retools itself to be unable to function if the drug isn’t present in the bloodstream. This situation is a physical addiction, where the brain’s structure has changed to accommodate the drug.

Psychological addiction doesn’t rely on the body. The brain is a powerful organ, and when it wants something, it creates urges in a person. Psychological dependence comes from the brain wanting more of a substance. This situation may arise because the brain wants its pleasure centers to function or escape reality. The urges formed can be compelling and hard to ignore in either case.

What Is Psychological Dependence?

Psychological dependence is when the brain becomes attached to a substance through emotions or feelings. Mental dependence doesn’t show the same sort of effects as physical dependence. However, that doesn’t reduce their impact on their wants and needs. The brain’s pleasure center is the core of these psychological addictions. Because many of these drugs make it impossible to feel regular feelings of accomplishment anymore, the brain becomes depressed when it doesn’t get the chronic stimulation from them.

Part of the impetus to keep using the drug is to recover those feelings of euphoria that the brain was chasing initially. The dependence on that feeling of joy keeps the user coming back for more. The brain’s normal dopamine response can’t provide the emotions that the brain’s pleasure center needs anymore because of tolerance. This tolerance comes from the massive dopamine flood discussed earlier. The more dopamine within the brain, the more it needs to get the same feelings of pleasure.

How Does Psychological Addiction Happen?

Psychological addiction is the exact mechanism a person uses to ingrain habits into their daily schedule. When a person does something consistently over time, their body starts rewarding them with small shots of dopamine to the brain. The minor doses of dopamine are usually enough to get the brain’s pleasure centers working and feeling satisfied.

The body, detecting that doing a particular thing gives a reward, continues setting up times to do that thing, establishing a habit. Habits don’t necessarily have to be bad. Some of them, such as exercising regularly or taking breaks from work, are healthy and necessary parts of restoring balance to life.

Unfortunately, using drugs short-circuits the reward pathway and drives the brain into a spiral of uncertainty. The amount of dopamine that even the mildest drug generates is far more than what the brain can deal with usually. Once it’s had this taste of pleasure, it can’t go back to the tiny allowances it would typically get. The result is psychological addiction.

What are the Underlying Causes of Psychological Addiction?

What causes a person to become mentally addicted to a substance? The mental draw of a substance may be due to the feelings it produces when it’s in the body. However, this isn’t the only reason for developing psychological dependence.

Some studies have suggested that certain people get a positive reaction from doing a particular drug. The response here is simple – they enjoy the feeling, so they do the drug. However, in some cases, it might not even be about the emotions that the drug generates when it’s in the person’s body.

Other researchers have found that some people do drugs because of nostalgia. In many cases, people started doing drugs when they were younger and associated it with having a good time or going to a party. Because of their feelings rooted in the past, these individuals are more likely to do drugs.

In a few cases, people use drugs as a tool to cope with their reality. Just like some people read, others use drugs to help them imagine themselves away from their surroundings. Also, psychological dependence can take hold as the outside world gets more unforgiving. The fantasy world that the drugs introduce them to becomes where they want to spend most of their time.

What Substances Cause Psychological Addictions?

Most substances can cause psychological addiction. Some substances may only cause psychological dependence and have no physically addictive properties. While almost any substance can result in psychological addiction, a few stand out as the most addictive from a mental standpoint. Among them are:

Cannabis
Psychotropic medication, including depressants
Stimulants, like cocaine and Ritalin
Hallucinogens like LSD
Inhalants

Many of these substances also have a physical addiction component that goes along with psychological addiction. It’s not a simple process to understand how a person becomes psychologically addicted to a substance or whether they are more mentally or physically addicted to it.

How Does Addiction Affect the Brain?

As most people would know, addiction is a brain disease that results from making bad decisions regarding sourcing a drug and using it. These decisions are illogical and don’t make sense to someone who understands the user. Even the person making the decisions isn’t sure why they’re doing it.

Addiction’s effect on the brain makes it less aware of the world around it. It encourages tunnel-vision – forcing the person to focus on a single goal and ignore all the other things that might happen during their quest to achieve it.

The brain’s physical structure also changes because of addiction. Physical addiction stems from a condition known as dependence. As mentioned above, the brain rewires itself around the massive floods of dopamine that the drugs introduce. This rewiring leads to an inability to function without the drug.

Dependence is the fuel for psychological addiction as well. When a person becomes dependent, their urges and cravings center on getting the drug at any cost, including facing jail time or death. The psychological blocks that would stop these behaviors become eroded, leading the person down a dangerous path that may eventually claim their lives.

Withdrawal From Psychological Addictions

Withdrawal is a crucial part of addiction recovery. Going through withdrawal breaks the body’s dependence on a drug, but it can also give users agency in their decisions again. Detoxification is a method of controlled withdrawal that most rehab facilities use to help their patients overcome their addiction.

Unfortunately, withdrawal can have some severe symptoms. These symptoms may ramp up in intensity the longer a person avoids the substance. Among the typical psychological responses to withdrawal are:

Cravings
Change in sleep patterns or incidences of insomnia
Obsessing over the substance or romanticizing its use
Mood swings
Inability to concentrate
Poor judgment
Depression
Anxiety when considering stopping the use of the substance
Irritability or restlessness
Denial of a substance abuse problem

These psychological responses are in addition to the physical reactions a person may have from a drug. The psychological responses work alongside the physical withdrawal symptoms to push a person back into using the substance, even though they know it’s not in their best interest.

Supervised withdrawal in detox facilities is the best way to overcome withdrawal. Staff at those facilities can help in case there’s a medical emergency. These facilities are also excellent at preventing people from succumbing to their urges and relapsing. Withdrawal sets the stage for further treatment.

Can Rehab Help with Psychological Addictions?

Rehab centers offer many solutions for psychological addiction. As mentioned before, many rehab centers have detox facilities that can aid in breaking the physical dependence a person might have on a substance.

However, physical addiction isn’t the only thing that detox addresses. Psychological addiction can be dealt with partially in detox. The real power of detox is allowing a person to proceed to in-depth therapy to deal with their psychological dependence on a substance. If they are still physically dependent on the substance, there’s no way they can succeed in overcoming the psychological dependence on it.

Behavioral Health Treatment for Psychological Addictions

Behavioral therapies have shown a lot of promise in helping patients overcome their psychological urges to use a drug. These therapies focus on giving the individual tools to spot when their thoughts are impacting their actions. The goal is to spot the negative thoughts that lead to negative actions early to avoid them.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has become one of the best ways to deal with psychological addiction over the long term. Other behavioral therapies may also contribute to overcoming psychological addiction. However, this requires constant work, even after in-facility treatment has ended.

Many people believe that they’re clean of the substance when they’re finished their three-month stay in a rehab facility. Unfortunately, that isn’t true. Rehab centers address the problem of overcoming the most pressing symptoms of addiction. Over the long term, psychological urges may persist, potentially risking falling back into their old habits of use.

CBT can be helpful in these situations, giving a person the tools they need to overcome their psychological addiction. Recovery is only truly complete when a person no longer has these urges to use the substance. This final point may take years to get to, but it’s worth the time spent getting there.

Treatment For Psychological Addiction or Dependence

Best Rehabs In Arizona Recovery has dealt with both physical and psychological addiction. Our rehab centers have dedicated detox facilities, but we also provide long-term support for recovering persons in the form of therapy. Our trained staff are knowledgeable in treating psychological addiction and can advise you on the best approach for you.

If you’re unsure whether you can overcome your addiction, come see us. Our doors are always open, and we’re willing to listen and help. Contact Best Rehabs In Arizona today to schedule your first visit and experience our approach to overcoming addiction.

January 12, 2022July 24, 2022

How To Live With A Drug Addict Spouse

Co-dependency Can Be A Killer

I only ever had a couple of relationships when I was sober. One was my first girlfriend in high school. The second is my current relationship. The span in between was relationship after relationship founded on alcohol or other drugs. As you probably know, you are not making the same decisions while under the influence that you would be if you were sober.

For me, that meant dating a lot of people that I had nothing in common with except for booze. Spotting signs of addiction in a loved one is hard if you yourself are an addict. It’s hard to know how to avoid enabling an addiction when you are also being enabled. This is how codependency works, and it can be a killer. It can kill your relationship and potentially kill you.

Binge Drinking and Toxic Relationships

I was often sober during the week. I was the kind of drunk you’d label the “weekend warrior”. A large part of it was that I didn’t like the person I was with. Most importantly, it’s important to like yourself. I didn’t like myself for a long time.

It’s important to realize whatever mistakes you think you have made; people are really just there to teach us lessons about ourselves. My second marriage was a textbook example of good cop, bad cop.

I was with a wonderful person who did everything they could to help me, but it didn’t work because I didn’t want to help myself at the time. The effects of addiction on relationships depend on where you both are. It is hard to be in a relationship no matter what issues exist. If one person is an addict and the other is not, there are very unique circumstances.

Moving on From Codependent Relationships

She did all she could do with me before she needed to do what was best for herself, which was to leave. The next relationship I was in was with another addict like myself. I actually felt good about this at the time. Finally, someone, I can abuse drugs and alcohol with! It’s crazy to think of how warped my mind was. Codependent relationships and addiction go hand in hand.

Steps to Take with an Addicted Spouse

There are certain steps to take with an addicted spouse. An intervention is the best way to go. If the intervention fails, then you’ve done pretty much all you can do. If you have addressed your concerns and there is still resistance, how much more can you repeat yourself?

You have to consider leaving an addicted spouse if there aren’t any other options. Talking treatment with your spouse can only go on for so long before they actually seek treatment. Otherwise, you’re just going in circles.

If there are children involved, which there were in my case, it makes things so much trickier. My new spouse had children, and it was hard for them to not be affected by our behavior. Modeling positive behavior for children is not going to come from two addicts.

They will grow up thinking addictive behavior is normal and it will most likely lead them to engage in it themselves. She ended up losing custody of her kids for a while after a drunk driving arrest, which was probably the best-case scenario for all involved. It didn’t seem like it at the time, but with a clearer head, I now know it was for the best.

Taking Care of Yourself in Recovery

My new spouse and I had tried couples addiction treatment centers, but our addictions were far too much for us to overcome together. A clean break is what was needed for us both to succeed. We ended up leaving each other and going on our own paths. I entered Best Rehabs In Arizona and got my addiction under control. I am not sure what happened to her after that. I can only hope she put all her effort into recovery and getting her kids back. I don’t know what happened, but ultimately I am only responsible for myself.

Self-care in an addict relationship doesn’t come up much. You aren’t focused on yourself. At least I wasn’t. I only tried to make my spouse happy, which was only ever achieved by supplying her with more drugs. It was beginning to feel exhausting. I would never find someone real until I started to find myself. The time I wasted worrying about someone else’s happiness robbed me of my own. It’s important to make your significant other happy, but not at the expense of your own well-being. And definitely not if your definition of happy is staying addicted to drugs or alcohol.

Prioritizing Recovery in all Relationships

Things didn’t begin to change for me overnight. It took time. It took practice. The last two people I dated before I met my current partner were stepping stones. One was a realization that I didn’t want to date people who did drugs anymore. This person did.

I broke up with them. It felt good. It was the first time my thinking was about myself rather than the other person. Then, I met another person. We lived in different parts of the country at first and had a long-distance relationship.

Eventually, I moved to be closer to them. It seemed like the right move at first, but my old habits ended that hope. I had been sober for a while before relapsing, and it took a while for me to go back to my old ways. I started drinking socially at first, but that slowly changed and I got right back to my old ways.

The stress of a new relationship can do that and you have to be very careful. Even though this new person I was with didn’t drink, it didn’t matter. I just needed something to take the edge off and relax. It was a huge mistake. It took me such a long time to realize that a good relationship is based on a positive attitude. So many of the couples you see out there have a cloud of negativity around them. They argue all the time. They aren’t fulfilled. They are just going through the motions. I didn’t want to do that anymore.

Changing Destructive Behavior Patterns

After this new person broke up with me because of my drinking, I decided that I need more of a change to avoid the same patterns. I decided to get sober. Support and healthy boundaries for recovery are what I needed most. I needed to stop worrying about finding the right person and become a better version of myself first.

Marriage and family therapist resources may help some people, but I was determined to not go back to that pattern. I needed to be alone for a while to fix myself so that I didn’t need to go right back to couples therapy when I began a new relationship. This was a huge thing for me to realize.

I started to put time into hobbies. I put time into taking care of my body by exercising. I read all of the time. I learned guitar. I went on hikes and felt nature healing me. I decided to stay. It was only six months until I met my current partner. We met through an event. We began a sober relationship.

We hung out and got to know one another. We had a lot in common. I learned after months of dating that I really enjoyed being around this person. It didn’t happen overnight. But because I was sober, I was able to enjoy the process at my own pace and move forward as I felt. We are still together, and things couldn’t be more positive.

Healthy Sober Relationships Can Happen

Dating sober is more about finding yourself than anything. No matter who comes into your life, if you are sober you will have a better chance at attracting the person you deserve. A person who will honor you for who you are, rather than who you pretend to be while chugging a beer or doing a shot.

I used to need these things to feel content in my relationship. I can’t imagine having another codependent, addiction-based relationship.

It’s not that you won’t have bad dates, you will just understand that they are a part of life. A passing moment like every other moment. It will all be worth it to know yourself. To love yourself. There is no more important love than the love you have for yourself, no partner can fulfill that.

I was sober for a long time before I even thought about dating again. I knew that in my early days of sobriety, a new relationship was too much to maintain. Maintaining my progress through recovery was the only thing that mattered.

Long Term Recovery through Self-Love

I didn’t want to deal with denial and interventions. I didn’t want to be involved in more sober spousal support groups. I wanted a relationship to be based on love and love only. I wanted to be at my best mentally. It took a long time to get there, which is what makes this new relationship so rewarding. I never thought I could achieve what I have. Anyone can do it if I could. We are all looking for love and attention in some way. Applying self-love to your life will get you off to a good start.

October 18, 2021February 1, 2022

How to Tell When a Drug Addict Is Lying

Have you ever googled “how to tell when a drug addict is lying”? If your loved one is addicted to drugs or alcohol, it may seem like you don’t know them anymore. Your once loving spouse or honest child may now be acting like a stranger.

It can be very hard to cope when someone you love is now lying to you all the time or trying to manipulate you. It’s shocking and you may feel betrayed every time you find out that they weren’t being honest.

However, this is normal behavior for people who are addicted to substances. The National Institute on Drug Abuse describes addiction as a chronic disease that’s centered around compulsive drug seeking and use. Despite harmful consequences, the addict finds it difficult to control their actions.

Even though your loved one may have previously been a straightforward person, they will now do anything to get their hands on the substance to which they’re addicted. This includes lying.

This may be hard to understand. In this article, we’ll provide some insight into common things addicts say and how to tell when a drug addict is lying.

How Addictive Substances Change the Brain

Drugs and alcohol increase the levels of dopamine in the brain. This makes the user experience heightened pleasure, euphoria, and a sense of wellbeing. The individual wants to feel these sensations again so they drink or use drugs again.

If they repeat this behavior time and time again, the brain gets accustomed to the presence of the addictive substance.

Eventually, the brain no longer produces sufficient levels of dopamine on its own and the person doesn’t feel good unless they use drugs or alcohol.

As time goes on, the individual will do whatever it takes to acquire and consume the substance. This includes lying and stealing.

Heavy or long-term use of addictive substances can damage the part of the brain that controls judgment, making it difficult for the individual to make rational choices. It becomes hard for the person to think objectively.

They may say or do anything it takes to get more drugs or alcohol, avoid going into withdrawal, or avoid the consequences of their actions.

Why Do Addicts Lie and Manipulate

Addicts lie to themselves and others and it’s hard for them to stop. Some of the reasons why they lie to their spouses, relatives, and friends include:

Shame. This may surprise you since they keep doing the same things over and over again but addicts are often ashamed of their actions. They lie so no one has to find out what they’re doing.
Avoidance of confrontation. If your loved one was honest with you about everything they did or everything they plan to do, it would probably lead to an argument. Therefore, they lie to keep the peace.
Protection of loved ones. People who are addicted to drugs and alcohol know that their habits could hurt their loved ones. Often, lying is easier than changing their behavior.
Changes to the brain. Addiction rewires the brain such that getting drunk or high is the individual’s main focus. Since lying or cheating allows them to get more of the substance, they think it’s okay.
Denial. Sometimes the reason your loved one can’t be honest with you is that they can’t admit to themselves that they have a problem.

Common Lies Addicts Tell

People who are addicted to drugs or alcohol can lie about small details or invent entire stories. If you’re aware of some of the things your loved one may lie about, you’ll have a better idea of when you should be skeptical. Addicts often lie about:

Where they went
Who they saw
Why they drank or used drugs
How much alcohol they drank or how much drugs they used
How they acquired the substance
How they’re spending their money
How their substance use is affecting their job or relationship

If you’ve noticed negative changes in your loved one and you get the sense that they’re not being honest, it’s possible that a substance abuse problem could be involved.

Lies People Who Are Addicted to Substances Tell Themselves

Even though each person struggling with addiction will have a unique experience, the lies they tell themselves tend to be quite similar. These lies keep them from admitting they’re unwell and seeking professional help. Here are things your loved one may be saying to themselves:

I can stop drinking/smoking/injecting drugs whenever I want. Many addicts want to believe they are still in control of their lives. They don’t want to admit that alcohol or drugs are controlling them, especially if they’re using substances to deal with trauma or another mental health problem.
I’m not like other people who drink or use drugs. Addicts tend to compare themselves to other people they know. If they’ve never passed out on the street, been arrested, or been fired because of their drug use, they think they’re doing okay. However, addiction can range from mild to severe and it’s a progressive illness. This means that it gets worse if it goes untreated.
I need drugs or alcohol to deal with my problems. People who become addicted to drugs or alcohol often start using these substances as a way to self-medicate. Unfortunately, while they may feel better in the short term, substance use can make mental and emotional problems worse in the long run. Drugs and alcohol are not a substitute for psychiatric or psychological help but addicts tell themselves otherwise.
Life won’t be fun if I’m sober. Addicts often get accustomed to a lifestyle that revolves around drinking or using drugs. Therefore, they tell themselves that life would be boring otherwise. However, the reality is the addiction is far from fun, and life is centered around getting and using drugs. Still, this belief keeps people from seeking treatment. Sobriety is actually a healthier and more enjoyable choice since it involves new activities, new friends, and a new way of thinking.
My addiction doesn’t affect anyone else. People who are addicted to drugs or alcohol often isolate themselves. If they socialize, it’s usually with people who are using the same substances. Therefore, they may think that their actions aren’t affecting their families. When people try to intervene, they may think they’re judging them or trying to control them. In their world, no one else is being affected by what they’re doing.
I don’t have anything to live for so I might as well continue drinking or using drugs. Individuals who are addicted to drugs or alcohol are often depressed. Grief, sadness, or guilt often drive them to use substances. Before long they get trapped in a harmful cycle. They self-medicate because they’re depressed and then the drugs and alcohol make them even more depressed after the high wears off. A person in the depths of depression doesn’t feel like life is worth living.

How to Tell When A Drug Addict is Lying: Possible Indicators

People who are addicted to drugs and alcohol lie often and they may be very convincing. It can, therefore, be difficult for the people close to them to tell when they’re telling the truth. There’s no foolproof way of detecting a lie in the absence of evidence.

However, if you know what to look for, it may be a little easier.

Signs that your loved one is lying include:

Lack of eye contact
Suddenly speaking more loudly
Fidgeting or rocking back and forth
Giving vague answers or trying to change the subject
Speaking in broken sentences or using lots of filler words
Speaking in a higher tone

Not everyone will show the same signs when they lie, and some people are better at being dishonest than others.

However, you should trust your instincts. If you believe something is going on, it probably is.

What to Do If You Suspect Someone is Addicted to Drugs

Loving a person who is struggling to control their drug use can be scary and stressful. However, that person will need your support in order to recover. Try to create a calm environment in which you can discuss their lies and impress upon them the need to get help.

It’s a good idea to contact an addiction specialist for advice on how to approach what is likely to be a difficult conversation.

While you may be feeling hurt and manipulated, you need to focus on the other person’s wellbeing rather than your emotions. It’s important for the addict to know that you love them and you’ll help them if they seek treatment but you won’t tolerate further lies.

It may be tempting to avoid confrontation but this won’t help any of the parties involved.

Contact Best Rehabs In Arizona for Advice

If you’re unsure about how to deal with someone’s lies or you want information about addiction treatment, contact the professionals at Best Rehabs In Arizona. We’ll answer your questions and advise you about how you can support your loved one.

February 5, 2021February 24, 2021

Dating While Not Sober

Let’s talk about dating while not sober first.

I have plenty of experience.

I only had two relationships when I was sober.

One was my first boyfriend in high school.

The second is my current relationship.

The span in between was relationship after relationship founded on alcohol or other drugs.

As you probably know, you do not make the same decisions under the influence that you do while sober.

For me, that meant dating many people that I had nothing in common with except for alcohol.

I dated people that irritated me when I was sober.

Part of that irritation was due to a hangover.

But not all of it. I was often sober during the week.

I was the kind of drunk you would label as a “weekend warrior.”

A large part of it was that I did not like the person I had a relationship with.

Most importantly, you need to like yourself, and I did not for a long time.

It is essential to realize the mistakes you have made and learn from them.

People teach us lessons about ourselves.

The Cheater

I still need to forgive myself for some of the harmful, hurtful people I let into my life.

One of the worst was a guy who ended up living with me for about six months. I met him through mutual drinking friends. He knew I had feelings for him, and he completely took advantage of that. He was sleeping with me the entire time while sleeping with at least two other women.

I was suspicious, but I was not one to snoop. I believed that if you trust someone, you should not snoop. When I did become suspicious, I felt bad kicking him out because he had a kid.

For him to have custody, he needed a place for his kid to come to safely. He was broke, so he could not afford an apartment.

I was getting more and more to the point where I wanted him out. I needed proof other than my gut feeling that something was off. He often used one of my old laptops. I got it out and logged onto Facebook. I did not have a Facebook account at that time, so his profile popped up right away. I decided to check his messages. The first thing I saw was all these messages to his new girlfriend, Katya.

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Starting to Wake Up

I was going to kick him to the curb.

But first, I was going to tell his new girlfriend who I was and what was going on. I reactivated my Facebook account, logged in, and emailed her immediately. She responded by chat. She said, “I can’t believe he would do this after saying he is in love with me and blah blah blah.” He said these same things to me at one point. Then, the conversation took a surprising turn. Katya informed me that another woman had reached out to her a week earlier, accusing him of cheating as well.

Katya also enlightened me that he said he hated my dog. If you knew my dog, you would think he was the biggest jerk to have ever walked this Earth. Trust me on this. Who could not love a pudgy, chill, and blue and white chihuahua? He is a rock star. So, to think this three-timing, no good, son of a… was taking advantage of me.

As I was chatting with her via messaging, I moved all of his stuff into the back hallway. I texted him to let him know his stuff was outback. His text back was something weird like, “Let’s have this out in person.” I had zero need to see him in person. There is nothing to discuss in this case. Trust me. I did see him one last time getting the stuff out of the back hallway. I had changed the locks after he left.

But, I still needed to get Katya’s keys from him to give her. I opened the back door and what I saw was the saddest, tall man with tears streaming down his eyes. He was like a kid caught with his hand in the candy jar. I almost felt sorry for him. But I could not. I told him he was pathetic and got Katya’s keys and slammed the door shut. Some people say that closure does not exist. I would say the moment where I shut the door in his face was the best closure I have ever experienced.

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Dating While Sober

I started to become aware of something after an experience with a cheater. I was grasping again at love. Grasping meant going through the same harmful patterns again and again. I was beginning to feel exhausted. I would never find someone real until I started to find myself.

Things did not change for me overnight. It took time and practice. The last two people I dated before I met my current partner were steppingstones. One was a realization that I did not want to date people who did drugs anymore. This person did, and I broke up with him. It felt good. It was the first time I thought about myself rather than the other person. Then, I met another person.
We drank the first few times we hung out and started dating. We also lived in different countries. We did a long-distance relationship, and then I moved to his country for a while. I was always irritated with him, even right before I left to go live with him.

I had barely seen him and almost broken up with him. The romantic version of myself that wanted to live in another country won over. It was a disaster. I was only there five months and left, for good.

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Sober Dating

After returning to the United States, I decided I needed more change to avoid making bad decisions. I decided to get sober. I was not drinking much, only once a week. But clearly, that was too much for me to get my life in order.

Around that time, I also lost my job. The rain came pouring down.
But my mentor Father Michael Pfleger says, “Storms run out of rain.” I walked through the storm of life on my own for a while. I was applying to jobs, deciding where to live, and taking care of myself. Every day, I would go on a walk. Life was simple. For the first time, I enjoyed the lack of excitement.

Constant moving and feeling like I had to prove something to someone were exhausting. I did not feel like moving at a fast pace anymore. I wanted to take the time to think things through.

I decided to work for a relative’s company while I was applying for jobs. The job was in New England. A small rural town. It sounded exactly like what I needed. The city had always triggered me to continue these negative patterns I was trying to quit. I did break loose.

I started to live a sober life. While sober, I had the control to say no to people I did not desire. Dating while sober meant taking care of myself and not going with an idea that did not serve my higher self. It did not mean that rejection did not hurt. I was able to handle it better and know that the feeling would pass.

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Love Yourself First

I started to put time into hobbies.

I put time into taking care of my body by exercising.

I read all the time.

I learned guitar.

I went on hikes and felt nature healing me.

I decided to stay.

It was only six months until I met my current partner.

We met through an event.

We began a sober relationship.

We hung out and got to know one another.

We had a lot in common.

I learned after months of dating that I enjoyed being around this person.

It did not happen overnight.

But because I was sober, I enjoyed the process at my own pace and moved forward as I felt.

We are still together; it will be two years in March 2021.

Dating sober is more about finding yourself than anything.

No matter who comes into your life, you will attract the person you deserve if you avoid dating while not sober.

A person who will honor you — rather than who you pretend to be while chugging your Miller High Life.

It is not that you will not have bad dates.

You will understand that they are a part of life, a passing moment like every other moment.

It will all be worth it to know yourself, to love yourself.

There is no love more important than the love you have for yourself.

No partner can fulfill that.